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WARNING: THE FOLLOWING REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS, SWEAR WORDS, SARCASM, AND, OF COURSE, SNAKES!
The film that started as a joke, and blossomed into a revolution - Snakes on a Plane - or SoaP - premiered last night at midnight EST. As the proud owner of a damnation-inc.com SoaP shirt, I felt it was my movie-going, nay, patriotic duty to see this fine piece of cinematic craftsmanship as soon as possible - so I was at the theatre doors, raring to go for the 10pm (MST) showing last night.
I know the questions - did it live up to the hype? Were there really snakes on the plane? Did Samuel L. Jackson actually utter the words "I am sick of these mother@!$%#in' snakes bein' on my mother@!$%#in' plane!"? My response is - hell yes there were mother@!$%#in' snakes on the mother@!$%#in' hyped-up plane!
The theatre was full of other SoaP fans - one with a "Wuzzle" shirt:
SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE
PLANE
Pure brilliance - much like the film itself.
And what makes this film so perfect is it is completely unapologetic in its mediocrity. Every plot point, every camera angle, every snake attack is completely predictable. From the first hiss to the last twist, it is one rollicking roller coaster of B-movie fantasia. And, unlike The Core - which was a giant practical joke that everyone was in on, except for the uber-serious Hilary Swank - this film was full of actors who loved it for its absurdity.
If you do come up with courage to face your fear of the inevitable attack of snakes on a plane, you will be greeted by some of the finest back-story ever - but I won't ruin it here - it's just too fine of a beginning for what will surely go down in the annuls of history as one of the finest films ever crafted. Let's just say that every move is so flawless that the writers feel no need to "fill in the gaps" of action.
The characters are as follows:
- The FBI agent - Samuel L. Jackson - (and his partner of five years) who are escorting a witness to the brutal killing of an LA prosecutor by a notorious gangster.
- The flight attendant - who is, of course, on her last flight before retiring to become a lawyer.
- The other flight attendant - who was offered early retirement, but decided to go for "one last tour of duty" (any guesses what happens to her?)
- The germaphobic rap star and his two chubby bodyguards - one of whom obsessively plays video games - including a flight simulator (that's right - a flight simulator)
- The blond rich-girl and her annoying purse puppy - yum!
- The little boys for whom this is their first flight alone - being sent to LA to see their mother from their father who is stationed in Hawai'i
- The man who is afraid of flying
- The honeymooning couple who can't keep their hands off one another
- The pilots who have been flying together for 10 years
- The burly kickboxing champ
- The blond flight attendant named "Tiffany"
- The ambiguously gay flight attendant who has a girlfriend (yeah, right)
- The mother with her 6-month-old baby
- The rich @!$%# blowhard
- The desk job FBI agent who has to get anti-venom for the passengers
- The nerdy snake expert who is exasperated by everyone around him
But am I forgetting anyone? Ah, yes, possibly the most memorable character in the film: the man who talks to his penis as he pees. Priceless.
But it wasn't the human passengers of this flight that made it so special - not even the perfectly cast Samuel L. - it was the reptilian ones. And I think my favorite scenes were those that included the slithering terrorists - whether they were dropping from disabled smoke detectors - or leaping into the eye sockets of mu-mu wearing vacationers, it was the snakes that were truly the stars of this film.
There were many times during this film where I, whom am rather sensitive to gore, had to throw my hands up to protect my tender eyes. But the magic of knowing that I was witnessing movie history in the making, made it all worthwhile.
The only slightly awkward part of the film was when, in a moment of extreme stress, Samuel L. uttered the word "shoot". "Shoot"? Really!? You have a slew of exotic, deadly snakes swarming all over the plane - the pilots are incapacitated - and you're an hour from land and you say "shoot"!? That's a thinker...
But, despite that one fumble in an otherwise exemplary performance and magnificent script, Snakes on a Plane was a venom-spitting, tail-rattling, cranium-crushing good time. I give it three bright turquoise asps out of four.
